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Shoes are objectively the most important items in videogaming history. Many great heroes' feats[1] would not be possible without them.

Many children are taught to tie their shoes at a young age. However, with the rise of Velcro® technology, this "skill" is quickly becoming even more of a time-waster than it already was[2], eating up valuable opportunities to teach the kids of America something useful for a change.

Purpose

Shoes are worn over human feet to keep them warm and safe. Notably, this can backfire if the person in question steps into a large puddle of water or onto nefariously pointy spikes. In some senses, shoes are for feet what mittens are for hands, because foot-gloves are bad for you[3][4].

Appearances

Super Mario

In the Super Mario series, Mario's shoes are the secret to his unbelievable jumping abilities, letting him bound up to the height of two… himself…s… or higher and land safely. A little known fact is that in Super Mario Bros. for the NES, Goombas and Toads used to be on friendly terms, but the former species joined Bowser's army due to being made fun of for their inferior shoes.

In Super Mario Bros. 3, Mario could ride in an XL-sized boot. The oversized soles' added strength granted the plumber invulnerability to Spinies, Munchers, and more. Sadly, it only appeared in a single level[5] in that game[citation needed]. The boot can be shaken into a high heel in Lunar Magic; this was done to appeal to a potential frisky female audience. This can only be done in the Super Mario Bros. and Super Mario Bros. 3 game styles, as the shoe is replaced by Yoshi in the other two. After all, both are green in color[citation needed].

The Koopa Troopas of Super Mario World for the Super Nintendo were made bipedal and given shoes as part of a product placement deal between Nintendo and Nike. Despite the contract in question having ended long ago, Koopas continue to use this distinctive style, as opposed to reverting to their quadrupedal form from earlier games in the series[6]. In addition, Yoshi was able to stomp weaker enemies completely and remain unharmed by others[7] due to his custom-made shoes.

Pokémon

A recurring element of the Pokémon series are its patented Running Shoes, without which the main character moves veeeery sloooowly[8]. The shoes also allow Pokémon to be captured with greater ease due to telepathically brainwashing the creatures[9][10]. Running also makes the player character make more steps during constant movement over a period of time[citation needed], as modeled by Einstein's famous quadratic equation, $E=mc^{hammer}$.

Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic the Hedgehog of his titular series wears shoes to protect his feet while running at sonic speed. The developers intentionally[citation needed] programmed[citation needed] in this design choice as it prevented players from having to look at Sonic's gross anthro hedgehog feet.[11]

References

1. This is a pun on the word "feet".
2. Only the guys in movies need to tie knots, am I right?
3. Mulshine, Molly. "Science Says Your Disgusting Toe Shoes Aren’t Doing Anything But Grossing People Out." Observer. N.p., 5 June 2013. Web. 20 Jan. 2016.
4. And also, they just look fuckin' weird, yo.
5. You know, the one with the thingy. No, not that one; the other one.
6. Except in Super Mario Galaxy, because actually I have no clue why that game is an exception to thNINTENDO WHY
7. Sometimes even bouncing off of obstacles! Why? Because it looks freaking awesome, why else!?
8. Not nearly slower than ya mum, though, that's for sure.
9. According to Amayoshi Regimodo, though there have been some rumors that he was not actually involved with the game's development.
10. Seriously, he said so himself! You can trust me, can't you?
11. After all, if you want to see that kind of stuff in a kids' game, you're probably better off going to deviantART anyway.